i really want to write, but i think there’s no blood going to my brain. it’s all staying in my outraged limbs. :p

(also dude i just read on npr about this self-published author who’s making like $9000/month now and she says you have to have creativity and a work ethic to pull off writing success, and i’m all, i could do that! if i wanted to. but, y’know, i’m all noble and shit and have netflix to watch and donuts to eat.)

((DISCIPLINE TIMES!!))

on the plus side, SHOES. they are these but pink. feck. yes.

ugh. getting smashed on vodka/oj/cherry juice/lime juice because THAT IS WHAT GROWN-UPS DO WHEN THEY ARE STRESSED. it’s decent vodka. does that help? no? whatever. obviously you don’t know anything about anything. now somebody order me a gorram pizza. make sure there’s garlic sauce on the side.

Al’s fighting with Vintage Stove, trying to get the oven to turn on. Cats are snoring. I’m nipping Two Buck Chuck and feeling a little dopey. Maybe it’s time for one last bath in 2011… happy new year, all! Let’s make it a good one.

Now that it’s the end of 2011, I’m looking back over how I did, and coming up with some goals for the new year. (I know, years are arbitrary, but you gotta divide your time up somehow, right? :p) First things first: how’d I do?

Well, I have a full-time job, it pays reasonably well, and my co-workers are awesome. In fact, I’m sipping on a smoothie one of them made for me, storing my coins in a purse from another, and looking at two adorable rubber ducks from a third… yeah, they’re mildly thoughtful people. I’m decent at my job–no “worker of the year” awards for me, but no “um we have to talk you suck” problems either. There’s a happy medium instead, and in a job, that is a fine thing.

I finished a chapbook manuscript. I feel pleased with it. I even submitted it to a chapbook contest! No luck there, but I did it. On top of that, I used some of the poems in my application to a creative writing MFA program. I got over perfectionism and took the GRE, and holy hell, I got a 169/170 on the verbal, a 5 on the analytical, and a *murfle* 148 on the math anyway. Not bad at all, all things considered.

And mean bitch-hood? Um, I took up roller derby. Bam! Nah, that was a *huge* help, but it’s not all: I found my voice. I learned how to say “this isn’t working for me” and “you’re full of shit” and “I get that you want me to do x, but I’m going to do y, and I’mma let you handle your own disappointment.” I learned how to take up space without apology on and off the track. I learned to identify, and, over many months, to love and own my truth–mine–and to do so without asterisks or apologies.

That made for a pretty awesome year. Not gonna lie.

What to do in 2012, then? Well, luckily, I have some great stuff to build off of. Generally, I want to increase my level of self-discipline so as to earn bigger accomplishments, but “increase self-discipline” is a bit abstract as a thing to tackle. Therefore, moar specificity! My goals are as follows, and subject to revision based on further reflection/experience/etc:

1) Get a grip on finances. I have no disasters a-brewin’, hooray, but I want to get back to a place where I am firmly aware of which portions of the paycheck pie are going into which expense tummies. The savings tummy, for example, has been grumbling of late.

2) DERBY. I’ve had a great little break from skating, I’ve been back for a few weeks, and I’m loving it. As “get better at derby” is pretty vague, I will instead set the following concrete goal: that I will return to PFM this year with the skills to do every drill. The accomplishments required to do so are challenging and attainable. I’ll need to learn to skate backwards, to do transitions, to become comfortable with skating with my center of balance constantly and dramatically shifting, and to juke. I can learn all of these skills with One World, which is where I will start learning as of Sunday; I can practice at Lynnwood and in the gym at work. I can build strength and endurance through cycling and hooping, maybe jogging… I can so do this. ^_^

3) Gentleness. To get from “I doubt my own truth, and hell, I’m so busy worrying about other people’s feelings that I wouldn’t know it if it bit me on the ass anyway” to “I know my truth and own dat shit outright”, I had to go through a phase of not really giving a shit about how other people felt about my words/actions/etc. I don’t apologize for that process; I am proud of my progress and believe that all in all I am better poised to give others genuine care and attention for having gone through it. That said, I feel strong enough to add an “and”: “I know my truth and own dat shit outright, *and* I have compassion for you, so I will seek to balance my truth with your needs.” This one is hard to measure, but my goal is that by the end of next year, I feel, inside myself, both true to myself and invested in treating others with lovingkindness.

How’s 2012 looking for you, team? Go!

Okay, I lied, that’s all about skating. Life in general is good… hooping, working, managed to apply to an MFA program holy crap. Aiming for a more disciplined 2012, and imagining what, in concrete terms, I want that to look like.

How are you? Comment or email, whether it’s to say “hi” or talk derby or just make a funny face. Also, I posted on mah derby blog (oh man more lies about being done talking about skating :p) if you’re into that sort of thing.

Otherwise… not much. *waves hello, trying to get back into this “using my written voiceparts” thing*